Thursday, October 28, 2010

what yoga taught me, this week

Another rushed blog post in between work items. Writing and hoping nothing interrupts for the next ten minutes. And in that time, trying to get something resembling my thoughts on things - or some thing - for the last week, out into the Internet.

(Having to rush and blog from work like this is mostly because, at the end of my work day, I don't have much time at home. And I don't feel like hauling out my new laptop, which I don't really like using, and connecting to dial-up, another pain in the butt, and then sitting at my desk in the middle of the living room with a big pile of messiness all around, and writing. I'd rather - make my supper, and my lunch for the next day, and have a few minutes of downtime by myself, before going to bed at 9 pm like I've been doing lately, so that I can get enough sleep.)

Yoga started back up and at first I was hating it. Like, my brain was kicking and screaming as I'd get ready to go. I'd feel like I just barely made it through the hour session. Going into a pose and hating it every second, every breath. My legs and arms and torso feeling weak, and then berating myself for the weakness. My face warm and my body tired. I started to wonder what was so different from when I was taking yoga before the summer, when I was genuinely enjoying it, even the difficult poses.

But then last night I went and a few things were different. First, I didn't eat shortly beforehand. I'd eaten a late enough lunch that I was still mostly full from it, so I didn't have to grab a snack or meal before the class.

Second, I spent the time before yoga in my room, being quiet. Not rushing to do something, but just sitting on my bed. Writing in my journal. Petting my cat. Then I put on some new yoga pants that are more spandex-y than my old, cotton-y ones. And I played a song that gets me pumped up, and jumped around my room a little. "I'm going to kick butt," I thought. Then I remembered how Faye, the instructor, says to release all attachment with the outcome, and release all competition. "OK, so I'll kick my OWN butt. And if I don't, that's OK too."

I went. I don't know if it was the spandex-y pants, or the fact that we're a couple of weeks into it now and I'm getting stronger, or what, but I genuinely enjoyed the class again. I went into my breath and challenged myself, and instead of hating every second of it, I actually liked it. Well, maybe "like" is a strong word. But, I was getting something from it, instead of feeling like I was putting all my energy in, for nothing. And I could feel how my body has changed in the past two weeks. Going into "plank", I could feel my arms holding me up. Strong, sturdy, ABLE.

I feel like I have some challenges right now that are long-term challenges. Saving my money so I can move out, while feeling secure. (As opposed to moving out right-the-heck-now, like I sometimes want to, but being stressed about money.) Getting stronger through yoga and other exericise. Figuring out if I have a "next move" - like school, or a career, or what - and if so, what it is. These are things that take time to figure out, that take time to accomplish. And I'm impatient. I like instant gratification. I need some reinforcement each day, and sometimes you don't get that. Sometimes it feels like you're stuck, like you're just HERE, and you're not moving forward. Just holding a pose.

But if you breathe through it, you do get better at it.

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